If Not Me, Then Who?

Oh, sure, as we age and get more “adult” things become more complicated, more serious, more real, so to speak.  Responsibilities change: some get married, start families, others concentrate on their careers, others are still seeking their place in life, whatever the case may be, a lot of years pass between the present and your stint in high school, especially when you are someone my age. 

This summer I will be 44 years old.  I’m not one to really think about age but sometimes you do and I think it’s only natural.  I sometimes think, and am completely amazed, at the fact that at 44 years old, I still have to deal with people who never seemed to get out of that high school mentality.  You know what I am talking about:  you were either part of one group or another:  a freak, nerd, spazz, etc or you were one of those kids who just got through fairly invisible, or you were part of the “Popular” kids, the “cool” kids.  Well, not for nothing, but what does all this matter now to someone who is 44 years old?  It doesn’t.  At least not to me.  Nearly 30 years have passed since those days.  Who gives a shit?  Yes, it’s “fun”, it’s “nostalgia” but hardly anything you would want to base your current existence on.  

So here I am, this nearly 44 year old man dealing with those who still want to define others the way they want to.  Again, probably natural.  But what isn’t natural is the manner in which they approach it: the high school definitions.  Try to imagine one 40-something year old acting like that 15 year old in the classroom, trying hard to make others feel “left out” and therefore gaining popularity points with those around him.  I call this person a sad, pathetic asshole who never grew up.  And some of these people are parents today too.  Another frightening prospect for the future of this culture.  What the hell happened?  Reminds me of the character in the film “Napoleon Dynamite” who sat around pining away for his high school football days, going so far as to purchase a “time machine” over the internet in a vain attempt to return to those days.  It’s funny.  It’s comedy but sadly also reality for so many American adults.  

These type of folks tend to be the ones who want to define others all the time.  Who that person may actually be is of no consequence to them.  It’s up to them to define them and that’s who they are going to be.  

But not only these cretins do this.  You will find that even people close to you often do this as well.  They have in their minds who you are supposed to be rather than actually seeing you for who you really are.  I think this is done because you are really of no real consequence to them, you are merely a “role” in the movie of their life, one that they are writing and directing themselves.  You are given a role and you are to play it, and do not dare to think to deviate from the script.  There’s no room for improvisation here.  Do your job and shut up.  What you have to say does not matter.  

Well, sorry to say folks, that life just doesn’t work that way.  We all show others who we are by what we do and how we treat them.  You can be there for someone through thick and thin, be supportive of them through all their tough times, show true friendship by accepting who they are, warts and all since one chooses to focus on what makes them wonderful rather than the little quirks that drive us crazy.  Others choose to focus on the quirks and dismiss the rest.  Your role has been written and these aspects of your personality is not part of the script, therefore you are flawed and must be dealt with accordingly.  Well, I have no more time for these petty fascists.  Getting too old for this, you know?  

There are many people in my life who I simply adore.  I love them more than I could possibly explain to them.  I adore them because of who they are, over all.  Do their idiosyncrasies drive me crazy sometimes?  Sure.  But that’s a part of who they are and what makes them wonderful far outweighs what gets under my skin.  We are all individuals and no one on this earth is “perfect”.  And what is “Perfect” anyway, other than something that adheres 100 percent to how we individually define “perfect”?  So here’s my message to those who decide to choose the negatives over the positives:  deal with it.  If those things you perceives as “negatives” far outweighs those things that make you a friend to begin with then I have to say goodbye.  Why be friends with me if all I am to you is a constant source of disappointment and irritation?  I am not going to be how you define me, sorry.  I am who I am.  And if I am not me, then who am I supposed to be?  What you want me to be?  I grow weary of people getting angry with me at every turn because I don’t do what they want me to do 100 percent of the time.  Life just doesn’t work that way.  I also find it shameful and sad that at my age I still have to deal with this but sadly it’s true.  If my existence is such a bane to yours and I am nothing but a constant source of irritation to you then let’s go our separate ways.  Makes sense, right?  

All this makes me think of a friend of mine who I had known for over 20 years.  We always got along for the most part but naturally there were sources of disagreement on things.  Again, normal.  Natural.  He got mad at me over something I found very trivial in the scheme of things.  Maybe to him, it wasn’t so trivial.  Fair enough.  All I know is that we never reconciled and I will most likely never see or speak to him again.  It was never discussed, never worked out, I was just met with the “silent treatment” for over two years.  That’s a lot of energy to exert, I think, but what it told me is that what I thought was a friendship wasn’t exactly a friendship at all.  It apparently was based on how I was to be defined by him.  I didn’t behave in accordance to how he wanted me to behave.  Result: silence.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter to me if our friendship was so fragile that one single thing was able to destroy it so quickly and so easily.  Such is life....

I think we’d all be better off if we allowed one to just be themselves and stop trying to make them into who we want them to be.  After all, we just about make up everything in this life anyway, so what’s the difference?  We just all agree to go along with the things we make up.  But that’s a whole other issue, isn’t it?  So let’s try to be a little patient with one another, look to what makes someone good.  If the good outweighs the bad then cut the person some slack.  This, of course, does not apply if one is a complete prick with absolutely no redeeming values whatsoever, but even they have people who think they are good.  So what’s the answer?  How are we to define all this?  Just like everything else.  We simply make it all up and hope for the best.  But if my quirks and idiosyncrasies are too much for you, then why do you bother trying to be my friend?  Why do you try?  Why do you stick around and get angry at me?  Maybe you love the drama it brings to your life, I don’t know.  But do me a favor:  Keep the drama to yourself.  We all have our own to deal with.